Understanding Secondary Loss: The Hidden Grief When Someone Dies

When we talk about loss, the primary focus is often on the direct impact of someone’s death. This primary loss is the immediate absence of a loved one, the end of their presence in our daily lives. However, there is another layer of grief that is often overlooked—secondary loss. Secondary loss encompasses the ripple effects that extend beyond the initial bereavement, touching various aspects of our lives in profound ways.

What is Secondary Loss?

Secondary loss refers to the subsequent, often unanticipated, losses that occur following the death of a loved one. These can be related to emotional, social, financial, and practical aspects of life. While the impact of the primary loss is something we can anticipate, even as it’s excruciating and devastating and feels unimaginable, the secondary losses often catch us off guard. They come in many forms, each making the hole of the initial loss expand even further.

Here are Some examples of Secondary Loss:

Loss of Identity: When a spouse dies, the surviving partner may struggle with a loss of identity. They are no longer part of a couple, which can alter their sense of self and place in the world.

Emotional Support: The deceased may have been a key source of emotional support. Their absence leaves a void that can be difficult to fill, intensifying feelings of loneliness and vulnerability.
Financial Stability: The death of a breadwinner can lead to financial instability, forcing the surviving family members to adjust to a new economic reality, which can be a significant stressor.
Daily Routine: The routines and activities shared with the deceased are disrupted. Simple tasks like meals, chores, and leisure activities can become painful reminders of the loss.
Future Plans and Dreams: Shared dreams and plans for the future vanish with the person who passed away. This can lead to a sense of hopelessness and uncertainty about what lies ahead.
Relationships change: It’s a sad reality of grief that, in addition to losing our loved one, we often lose other relationships as well. Friends and family might think we’re grieving for too long or not long enough. They might feel uncomfortable with our sadness, becoming distant or resentful because we can’t spend time with them as we used to. Friends who promised to be there might disappear just when we need them most. Relationships anchored by our loved one inevitably change. A double date isn’t the same when you’re single. Parents of your kids’ friends can feel impossible to be around after losing a child. Nurses and other professionals who were part of our lives because of our loved one are no longer present.

A little bit about my experience

My experience of secondary loss was challenging and often caught me off guard. I used to go shopping with my mum, she loved a good look in Marks and Spencer’s, and it would be followed by a trip to the café for a nice treat and chat. The first time I went back after she passed, I ended up in tears, feeling like everyone was watching me, though I knew they weren’t. Seeing others shopping with their mums was particularly hard. I felt jealous and angry, wishing I could tell them how lucky they were and to treasure and appreciate those moments that I would never have again and that I felt I had taken for granted at the time.

My career was affected as I couldn’t continue in my previous role due to the long and demanding hours. My parents had generously handled all my childcare, and I knew my children were happier and safer with them, sometimes even more so than with me. The idea of returning to work and not being there for my children during their time of grief was unimaginable. They needed me the most, and I couldn’t bring myself to leave them. I could manage the financial adjustment, but the emotional toll was something I couldn’t bear.

As crazy as it sounds, we never cut our own grass—my dad always did it for us. Living just around the corner, he would wheel his lawn mower over and take care of it, using it as an excuse to visit his grandchildren. I know how lucky we were! The first time we had to cut the grass after he passed, I tried but couldn’t through the tears. My husband ended up doing it, but he also found it difficult

I could elaborate endlessly on the impact of secondary loss following my parents’ death and how it affected me and my entire family, but I won’t.

Acknowledging secondary loss is the first step in coping with it

Understand that it’s normal to grieve these losses and allow yourself to feel the emotions without judgment. Surround yourself with a supportive network of friends, family, support groups, or professional counsellors who can provide a safe space to express your grief. Establishing new routines can help create a sense of normalcy and purpose, which might include finding new hobbies or activities that bring joy and fulfilment. If financial instability is a concern, consider seeking advice from financial advisors to create a manageable plan. Make an effort to rebuild social connections by reaching out to old friends or joining new social groups, as building new relationships can help alleviate feelings of isolation. Prioritise your physical and mental health through regular exercise, a balanced diet, and mindfulness practices to manage stress and promote well-being. I found a dog walk gave me a purpose and I always felt so much better after going. Finding ways to honour and remember your loved one can also provide comfort, whether through creating a memorial, continuing a cherished tradition, or engaging in activities that keep their memory alive.

If you know someone who has recently experienced a loss, consider asking them how they are and what impact it has had on them. Don’t avoid them or shy away from difficult questions. They will appreciate the opportunity to share their feelings, and it will let them know they aren’t alone. Encourage them to find more help if needed, but me gentle in your approach.

Places to contact for support

www.workplacebereavement.co.uk

www.talkingaboutloss.co.uk

www.cruse.org.uk